Three men go to the gates of heaven after they die and they speak to
God. God tells the three men that they will need transportation
around Heaven. The type of transportation you have depends on how
faithful you were to your spouse.
So the first man walks up to God and God asks the first man, "Were
you faithful to your wife?"
The first man replied, "Yes, well, I may have cheated on her once."
God asked the first man, "Exactly how many times did you cheat on
her?"
And the man says, "OK, I cheated on her 11 times." So God gave the
man a Buick Skylark.
Then God asked the second man the same question and the second man
answered, "I cheated on my wife 5 times." So God gave the man a
Honda Accord.
Then God asked the third man the same question. The third man
replied, "I have never cheated on my wife. I have always been
completely faithful to her." So God gave this man a beautiful
convertible Mercedes, and he was the envy of the other men in his
beautiful sports car. All the other men were jealous, but they knew
that they got what they deserved.
One day while on the road, the first two men saw the third man
driving in his Mercedes looking very upset so they pulled up next to
him and the first man asked, "What's wrong? You have a gorgeous car!
You should be having the best time of all three of us."
The third man just looked down the road with his mouth wide open and
said, "I just passed my wife on roller skates."
~~~
A doctor of psychology at the insane asylum was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is flushing red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from bthere before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
~~~~
In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.
In America, they call it golf.
~~~
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo,
much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they
die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster
pace.
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you
smarter.
~~~
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing in Wyoming the
housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't
been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead
in the bottom of it's cage. The housekeeper set out to find a replacement
bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.
After several hours of looking, she came across an exact duplicate of
the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that
the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several
years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper said that no one would
ever know and took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons' return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."
That afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI
BILL!"
~~~
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last
few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her
chin to keep her mouth shut!
~~~
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old
son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore
where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what
happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to
heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him
back down?"
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